Girls are so clunky.

Dear Satan,
Girls are confusing! How do you know when a girl really likes you? I mean really. Do they emit some sort of smell or something? Wouldn't that be cool? Like if they changed color or a large sack on their back inflated when they saw something that excited them. Of course then it would be havoc at any number of outlet stores. Especially when they try to leave and their back sacks get all caught up in the doorway. Anyhow take care.
Your friend,
John

p.s. Is it true that you have a tri-pronged choad? Does that rule or is it a nuisance or what?

Thanks for writing back!!

Dear Satan,
I was interested to hear that you thought your influence was waning up here. That's just bullshit. You're doing great! Trust me. In fact alot of the time when someone invokes the name of some other anthropomorphic personification they're actually talking about you. Think on this...You know when a guy finds out that they left the fries out of his order but it's too late to go back cause he's already crosstown and he yells "Jesus!"? Well, he doesn't really want Jesus to show up and teach the fast-food guy some compassion. He wants you to show up and fill their bones with hot lead. Which you might want to consider doing sometime. You'd be an instant sensation, guaranteed. I know what you're going to say: no subtlety. Well if you don't watch out you're going to end up riding the superstition train with the goddamn Candyman. Get cracking! Gotta go. Write back soon.
John

Dear Satan

How's it going?
Lately someone told me that everything you say is a lie. The prince of lies, I think (heh..Exaggerate much!). If that's correct then I will always know what's true. Thanks. Consequently, I find that you are the only person I can trust. Don't think of it like a burden. I'm a great correspondent. Feel free to tell me your problems too. I have a sympathetic ear and a wandering eye (ha ha). Anyways, Satan hear my plea and write back soon.
Yours (you wish!),
John